Less Than Ideal: Should I Give Up On Marriage and Just Have Random Girls?
By David Metcalfe
September 29, 2019
As I wrote about in my previous post, marriage is an amazing ideal; an ideal that I agree with very much. For nearly every person, that ideal will become, or already is, a reality. For normal people in normal life situations, I think it is generally best to meet peers of the opposite gender, go out on some dates, and eventually find someone to pursue marriage with.
But for me this ideal shows no signs of ever becoming a reality. My romantic reality is much more about loneliness, rejection, boredom, and general angst about life. Over the course of my entire life, no girl has ever liked me. This summer alone, I went on more than 20 dates with 10 different women. Some of them didn’t “click” very well- we had different interests or just didn’t really connect. But there were at least 5 that seemed like they went very well- we hung out multiple times, they laughed at my jokes, we talked for several hours, we went for dinners and did fun activities together, and so forth. But they never gave me any physical affection (other than perhaps the occasional hug I would offer them before we’d leave).
But most importantly, when I would eventually ask them if they wanted to pursue a dating relationship, they would all say- almost word for word- the exact same thing:
“I’m sorry, Dave, I’m just not interested in you in that way. You are a very awesome guy to hang out with and I would be happy to hang out as friends in the future.”
You’d think I’d be used to it now. It’s a phrase I’ve heard more than ten times- five of them just in the course of the last few months. But it’s the same every time- a knife stabs me in the chest, I hyperventilate a little bit, I stop whatever I’m doing and sit in silence for 30 seconds to take it in, accept it, and respond in a nice way.
It’s getting too fucking difficult for me to keep this up. The girls at church never went on any dates with me, so now I use the “mutual” dating app, get set up by friends, or occasionally meet someone at a party or something. The only girls I’m interested in dating are Christian/Mormon ones, because it’s what I believe in and would like to practice in my romantic and family life.
But it just isn’t working…at all. I’m very desperate for a girl to show any amount of interest in me. I want to have sex, but I wouldn’t say I’m obsessed with that aspect of it (people say guys think about sex every 7 seconds, but I probably think about sex more like every 7 hours). Mostly what I want is emotional intimacy, but I also want physical intimacy as an expression of that- cuddling, hugging, kissing, etc. Of course, in a broader sense, I want someone to fall in love with and enjoy life with.
And I cannot stand continually being rejected by girls who I get along well with. It disturbs me. How could a single young lady, who is looking for a boyfriend, who gets along well with me, not want to date me? How am I so awful and gross to these girls? What the hell is wrong with me?
But I’m tired of asking these questions. I’ve been asking them for too long, and date after date, it’s the same thing. I’ve asked a lot of people- friends, family, pastors, I even went to a psychologist to ask about it (she told me I was just a normal young man and shouldn’t worry about things so much).
I also always ask the girls who reject me. I want to know their reasoning, but they never give me answers that make sense to me. The main answers I received this summer were: I don’t feel a “spark” with you, you are not the kind of guy I’m looking for, I didn’t connect with you on an emotional level, and strangest of all, God told me I shouldn’t date you. Those are either too ambiguous or obvious to draw any meaning from, or entirely too non-sensible.
I’ve had to innovate. Make whatever judgements or accusations you want, but it’s a reality that I don’t see any way out of. I had been completely celibate all my life- I mean, I was 24 and I hadn’t even cuddled or kissed a girl before. That is, until a few months ago. Since all Christian girls that I get along well with want me to be nothing more than the “gay best friend” role in their life, it makes me feel like shit- it’s emasculating. I want to feel like I’m a normal man, who girls can be attracted to. It’s why I started using Tinder. But with Tinder, you swipe for days and maybe get one match, and then that one match doesn’t even answer your text. So, I found some websites where you can basically order whatever kind of thing you want- ranging from platonic, fully clothed cuddles all the way to full sex.
With this website, you pay the girl a certain amount for whatever you want. So, you can go to a movie and hold hands, or you can invite her to your house and make out with her, or you can touch her boobs for 10 minutes- it’s whatever you want and whatever she is ok with doing. Some of the women who do it are very beautiful, and they don’t charge very high amounts for the kinds of things I ask for. I’m not interested in actual sex, which costs WAY more than other things. I’ve only used the service 3 times thus far.
But all 3 times, it was amazing. Finally I got to know what it’s like to kiss a girl, to hold a girl in my arms, and so forth. Last week, I had driven four hours to meet up with a girl I wanted to date, and she turned me down, as always. I was depressed yet again, but then I just messaged a girl from the service, cuddled her, looked at her boobs, and then I didn’t feel bad anymore.
Now, let’s just pause for a moment. You might be thinking, “this is completely messed up that this exists, and even more messed up that you engage in it.” I know. Damn it, do I know. But it makes me feel so awful to go out with the Christian girls and have none of them show any attraction to me, and I need to do something. I don’t recommend this service to anyone, because, generally, if you are a young man who cannot get girls to like him, it’s because you need to work on your hygiene, get a job, work on your conversation skills, etc. But for me, I’ve worked hard on developing those things, and everyone agrees I’m objectively a good quality young man, and so there’s just nothing I can do to improve my situation beyond that. Many of the men who use this service are married men, apparently (according to one of the women I met who works for the service). The fact that a married man would use the service seems very messed up to me. If I had a wife, I think I would be so happy that I would never even think of finding romantic things elsewhere, let alone through some pay-for-affection type service.
But let’s get to the broader question here: where is this going? What is the trajectory I’m on?
There’s no doubt that people in changing situations eventually settle into a way of doing things that seems to work best for their needs. This is where my idealism competes with my reality. My ideal: be celibate until I fall in love and get married, then have children, a home, work at developing my career, etc. My reality: none of that stuff is even within the realm of possibility at the current time, but there are beautiful young women who will make out with me, and that feels really good- not only physically, but increases my self-esteem and general outlook on life.
It seems like my reality is much better to pursue. I’ve tried to live into my ideals for years, and it’s gotten me a bad self-image, loneliness, sadness, etc. Living into my reality has made me feel a lot better. But in the long run, where does it leave me? My reality is good right now, but if I get into a lifestyle of one night stands and affection-by-the-dollar, how will that warp my conception of relationships? More so, will it limit me from being able to achieve my ideal? (I will no longer seek out a marriage partner because I just go with the easy route).
On the flip side, if I pursue my ideal, am I going to be a 40 year old virgin? Am I going to get put in the “gay best friend zone” so much that I believe all I am is some asexual, unattractive freak?
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why none of the girls I went out with this summer liked me. I don’t know why I can’t just have a normal life. But those questions are theoretical, and I don’t have time for theories on this anymore. Things are happening. The decisions I make now define the kind of person I’m going to be, and the kind of life I’m going to have in the future.
Right now I need a break from dating- it’s too hard to take a lot of rejections in a row. But let’s hope I manage ok, no matter what path I go down. And let’s pray there’s an ideal worth waiting for, somewhere out there for me. Ideals are great, but sometimes, life is far less than ideal, and there’s nothing to do but cope with reality as it comes.