My Obituary (Or, At Least, A Rough Draft)

By David Metcalfe

June 23, 2019

I don’t trust you people to write my obituary properly, so I’ve taken it upon myself. I’m not sure how my life will go so I’ve written a few alternate scenarios. You can edit the details for accuracy (via hindsight), after I’m dead.

If I Am Moderately Successful

David Metcalfe passed away peacefully in his sleep on June 23, 2090, at the age of 95. He is survived by his 2 children, 5 grandchildren, and 10 great-grandchildren.

David lived in Canada most of his life, but made frequent trips to United States, often spending weeks or months at a time. He worked primarily as a journalist, but also invested in real estate and small business ventures. Despite thinking, throughout his 20s, that he would never be able to marry, he eventually found his wife in 2027, at the age of 32. They had 2 children and owned a small home in Edmonton, Alberta.

David cared about social philosophy and spent a great deal of time studying it, among other topics. He was very happy to be published several times in “The Atlantic”, “Maclean’s”, and “The New Yorker”, and ultimately compiled his published writings into a book called, “What Did Overthinking Ever Solve?”. It sold a modest number of copies but is held in high esteem among his friends, family, and colleagues. He will be remembered fondly.

If I Am Completely Unsuccessful

David Metcalfe passed away peacefully in his sleep on June 23, 2090, at the age of 95. He was never married and had no children.

David lived in Canada throughout majority of his life, with occasional trips to United States. He worked various odd jobs as a delivery driver, warehouse worker, Airbnb manager, and landscaper. He wrote a blog that was read by a couple hundred people each week. It was filled with complaints about his personal life in the style of a philosophical rant. David felt the need to blame others around him for his personal problems, and as a result, never found good social community or relationships. His main complaint was that no women wanted to marry him- something his self-deprecating narcissism never relented on until his mid 40s, when his rants transitioned to a concern for his worsening physical health and mortality.

David had a few close friends but was generally not well liked, especially in his older years as he became more and more pessimistic about the world. He was a strange and troubled man, and won’t be significantly missed by anyone.

If I Am Exceptionally Successful

David Metcalfe passed away peacefully in his sleep on June 23, 2090, at the age of 95. He is survived by his wife, their 4 children, 12 grandchildren, and 28 great-grandchildren.

David was a citizen of the world, frequently travelling and immersing himself in a variety of cultures. He pioneered ethnographic techniques in sociology research by incorporating introspection and his “becoming of self” existentialist theories. His dedication to research in sociology and philosophy earned him an honorary doctorate degree from McGill University in 2063. His writings were frequently published in “The New Yorker”, “The Atlantic”, and “Maclean’s”, and he was a highly sought after speaker at universities and conferences. His major essays and books included, “The Thought That Counts: Philosophy In The Real World”, “Marriage, Morals, and Their Enduring Effects”, and “Intuition, Ingenuity and The Indispensable Efficacy of Believing Beyond Yourself”.

David cared deeply about philanthropic enterprises, raising millions of dollars in support for various humanitarian causes. He held research positions for several major political parties in Canada and United States, and was a significant contributor to reform in the criminal justice system, taxation, environmental policy, and immigration, among other things. He received the Nobel Prize in literature in 2072 for his contributions to sociology, political philosophy, and humanitarian causes.

But beyond his career success, David was known to commonly say that his family was his greatest accomplishment. He spent a lot of time with his wife and children, and would often bring them along in his travels, or take large amounts of time off to be with them. He read the New Testament of the Bible almost every day, saying it was the greatest source of spiritual inspiration he had ever come across, and felt that a personal relationship with Jesus was an important part of his life.

David lived a joyful and passionate life, and inspired those around him. He was a great blessing to the world, his community, and his family. He will be greatly missed and remembered through his writings and descendants.

If I Die Very Pre-Mature

David Metcalfe passed away tragically on June 23, 2022. He was 27 years old, and is survived by his parents and siblings.

Despite David’s personal troubles, he was loved by many people and had a positive influence on the people around him. He enjoyed sports, movies, books, and music. He loved writing his blog and submitting articles to publishers. Although only published a few times, many people recognized his intelligence and writing talent, and we can only wonder what might have been if he had been given more time.

He was constantly frustrated at his inability to get a girlfriend, and it was a dream he was never able to achieve. However, he had many friends, and was happy to be able to work his own schedule and travel from time to time. He was thankful for his time on earth, however short it was.

David’s life was cut too short, and many people grieve his loss. He will be remembered fondly for the relationships he had with others, and for the unique ideas, approach and zest he had for life.