How to be a Social Justice Warrior
By David Metcalfe
December 9, 2017
Being a social justice warrior is one of the most admirable and inspiring pursuits of all time, and today, I will teach you how to become one. The process is actually very easy, as long as you follow a few simple steps. Do you want to join the ranks of Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, and Malala Yousafzai? Some posers think it requires things like effort and sacrifice, but you don’t have to live in abject squalor serving the poor, suffer 27 years in prison, or get shot by the Taliban to be an advocate of human rights. It simply requires being passionate and loud about the honest pursuit of making people think you are an amazing humanitarian.
If your school, church, or a local organization are going on a trip to a place with poor, black people, you might think, “Nah, that sounds like it would be a lot of work and I would have to go without the comforts of my wealthy life.” Au, contraire! I myself have been on several mission trips, and knowing many people in ministry, I can say with confidence that you will not have to work for more than 3 or 4 hours a day. Now, you might be thinking, “couldn’t they just hire locals in the area to perform such tasks?” Well, if you’re even asking that question, you are missing the point. We can debate about whether stealing jobs from poor people is good or bad until the cows come home, but you have to think beyond that. The feeling of helping poor people might be good, but it’s not even close to as good as the feeling you get when your post breaks 100 likes on Facebook.
To get the perfect photo, the kids have to be young, black, and preferably starving to death, but not so starving that they aren’t cute. Just grab any kid you find that fits that description, get your hair right, and get the shot. Don’t let the kids leave until you’re sure you got a good pic. It’s the worst when the angle of the sun wasn’t right and you have to track down the kids again.
This is pretty much an ideal pic, because it makes it seem like you are leading the children out of poverty and into prosperity. People will think that you are singing some inspiring song that you wrote especially for them, called “Let The Children Free” or something. After you’ve got the perfect pics, just sit back and watch the likes roll in! Everyone will soon be admiring you for your selfless humanitarianism!
2) Find ways to “start the conversation”
Anytime that someone talks about things like racism, sexism, or homophobia, make sure you talk about how important it is to “start the conversation”. It saves time and energy from actually doing research to get informed opinions. For example, if someone asks you what your opinion is on the “Black Lives Matter” movement, just say something like, “the problem with the race discussion in America is that we’re not having the race discussion.” If they try to use “logic” like the fact that they are asking you that precisely to start the race conversation, try avoiding it by going off on a tangent about how Washington has a secret racist agenda (Garner, 2017).
The best part is, there doesn’t even have to be racism present in order for you to start the race conversation. In Salem, Massachusetts in 1692, people could be accused of being witches for basically anything, and everyone was on edge trying to find any evidence that someone might be a witch. This is what we need to do with racism. Go through each congressperson’s website to make sure they have enough minority groups pictured. If someone claims they aren’t a racist, ask the question, “why is this person saying he’s not racist? Is it because he actually is a racist?” Assume yes.
If anyone is antiquated enough to believe that marriage is between one man and one woman, make sure to accuse them of being a homophobic bigot. Don’t bother looking up what “bigot” actually means, and certainly don’t continue talking to that bigot to understand their perspective. People believed in only heterosexual marriage for the last couple thousand years of society, but we got it right in the last ten years, so anyone who disagrees is stupid and needs to get with the times. Try to find these bigots, and make sure they know how hated they are.
3) Find a community of fellow social justice warriors
At the University of Alberta, there is a “human rights club” for students who want something nice to put on their resume. The best thing is, you don’t actually have to do anything. Every once and a while, there is a meeting where you can talk about the conflict in Syria or, more often, how much you hate Donald Trump. Being together in a community of like minded individuals working toward a common goal can make a huge impact, but if everyone is apathetic enough, it doesn’t have to (French, 2015).
4) Talk about charity a lot
During the Christmas season, try to ruin it for everyone by calling them out for being so materialistic. Tell them that there are people starving in the world who could use that money. When they ask you what charity you personally give to, try to have one prepared in your mind ahead of time so it doesn’t look too obvious that you’re making one up. Coming up with a good name for a fake charity is simple. Just think of a nice concept to start with, like “love”. Then think of a group of people to exploit to make it seem like you are a caring person, like “orphans”. Then just say “Africa” since that’s probably where all the poor people are. So, it would be “Love Orphans Africa Foundation”.
And you know people are going to be looking at your social media profile later, so try to “like” a few charity organizations. Unfortunately, you will have to see their posts on your newsfeed from time to time, which will hinder you from seeing who’s dating who and watching funny videos that relate to your life. But trust me, your sacrifice is worth it.
This generation has seen dramatic increases in the “white savior complex”, racist witch hunts, and self-proclaimed “humanitarians”, and it gives me great hope for our society. While a picture of you and your cat might garner 5 likes, or a picture of you with your romantic partner might garner 50, you with a bunch of starving children will touch people’s hearts, but more importantly, touch the “like” button up to 100 times or more! And in a generation that values things based on the feedback of social media, that is incredibly meaningful.
So, put down that book, and pick up that smart phone. Reading about international development and social issues is for nerds who like to “know” things, and get “informed”. Follow in the footsteps of the great civil rights leaders by trying to find racist sentiment in every aspect of our culture, whether it really exists or not. Join a “human rights club” so graduate schools will think you care about people. But most importantly, remember that the difficulties in the world are actually something you can benefit from if you simply use them to your advantage, and become a social justice warrior.
Gardner, D. (2017, December 3). Real Time with Bill Maher- Overtime HBO December 03, 2017. From 11:00-12:17. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-vQFIGO1zo
French, D. (2015). The ferocious religious faith of the campus social-justice warrior. National Review. Retrieved from http://www.nationalreview.com/article/427523/ferocious-religious-faith-campus-social-justice-warrior-david-french